In his quirky little book, How Proust Can Change Your Life, philosophical author Alain de Botton makes an uncomfortable suggestion: maybe the reason we feel dissatisfied isn’t because our lives are broken, but because we’re not actually paying attention to them.
Our dissatisfactions may be the result of failing to look properly at our lives rather than the result of anything inherently deficient about them.
It’s a bold claim. Especially in an era where every problem, whether mental, physical or emotional, is treated as something to solve, optimise, or escape.
But what if the solution isn’t adding more? What if it’s simply this: pay attention.
The Quiet Crisis of Disconnection
I work with high-performing, midlife leaders. They’re smart, capable, and relentlessly engaged with their work, teams, families, and the world around them.
But that same outward focus often leaves little energy for inward attention. They’re not disconnected because they don’t care; they’re disconnected because they care so much, about everything but themselves.
They track performance, lead teams, navigate crisis after crisis. But when I ask, How did that lunch land in your body? or How did that conversation make you feel? I often get blank stares.
And it matters. Because when you lose the ability to notice, you start living on autopilot and leading that way too.
The Value of Suffering (Yes, Really)
Alain de Botton, reflecting on Proust’s philosophy, goes on to say:
We don’t really learn anything properly until there is a problem, until we are in pain, until something fails to go as we had hoped… We suffer, therefore we think.
This isn’t about glorifying burnout or pushing through pain. It’s about recognising that moments of friction, like fatigue, frustration or misalignment, are data. And most leaders are moving too fast to decode it.
Pain, physical or emotional, is often the nervous system trying to flag a pattern. But if you override that signal with caffeine, speed, distraction, or denial, you miss the wisdom entirely.
What the Brain Says About All This
Neuroscience agrees with Proust (he’d raise a knowing eyebrow and say Enfin!)
The brain’s default mode network, the system linked to self-awareness, introspection, and creative insight, activates when we pause, reflect, and let our attention wander gently. Not when we’re doom-scrolling. Not when we’re back-to-back in meetings.
In contrast, the salience network helps us tune into what’s most important in the moment – internally or externally – helping us separate signal from noise. Over time, regularly engaging this network can support better emotional regulation, clearer decision-making, and more grounded leadership.
So when I say “pay attention,” I don’t mean overanalysing or turning inward endlessly. I mean training your attention in a way that literally shapes your brain toward better performance
Try This: A 5-Minute Audit
Take five minutes. Sit with a cup of tea. Look out the window. Put your hand on your belly.
Then ask:
- What have I been overriding this week?
- What signal keeps trying to get my attention?
- What am I tolerating that actually needs changing?
You might not get an answer straight away. That’s fine. The point is to practice noticing again.
Why Do This?
Because if you’re a midlife leader reading this, chances are you’re feeling increasingly overwhelmed by global events, exhausted by responsibilities, and constantly chasing time.
You don’t need to do more to feel better…
You just need to pay closer attention to what’s already here.